January 30, 2013

Just another routine catastrophe in my kitchen


This is kind of embarrassing as it's the second time this week I've talked about doughnuts, but this story is too astounding not to tell.

Over the weekend, I woke up one morning super grumpy and hormonal feeling, and I had this idea in my head that only doughnuts could make me feel better. Only doughnuts. Matthew said that you can actually make doughnuts with Bisquick, and do we have any Bisquick? So I pitter-pattered into the pantry where I found a box of Bisquick and proceeded to happily Google "Bisquick doughnut recipes."  (how many times can you say Bisquick in one paragraph? I bet I just maxed it out).

I found a recipe that seemed to suffice, so I pulled out the deep fryer that we got for a wedding gift and never used, and then poured an entire unopened bottle of vegetable oil in it, only to find that wasn't even barely enough to cover the bottom of the little fryer basket in there, and thus wouldn't be deep enough to fry the doughnuts in. So I was like, "Matthew, what do I do in this situation?" and he, being the very intelligent man that he is, transferred some of the oil into a frying pan, where it was plenty deep enough to fry some doughnuts in. He turned on the burner for me and then returned to the couch and his iPad, while I busied myself with dough preparation.

Well, I am rather slow when it comes to reading and following new recipes, so while I was meticulously measuring ingredients and shaping dough into little circles with holes in the middle, Matthew was noticing a lot of smoke and odor coming from the kitchen, so he came back in to check it out.

"Oh my gosh, babe, did you not notice that the oil is burning and smoking?" He cried, as he switched off the burner and began to run around the house, frantically throwing open windows.

"Uhhh..." I said. "Well, you see, my glasses are really scratched up, and it's hard for me to see clearly, so I didn't notice the smoke."

*Matthew rolls eyes.*  But honestly, that was the truth! (just got new glasses in the mail... hopefully this crisis will be averted in the future)

So anyway, we cooled off the oil, and I started to fry up our doughnuts. The deep fryer not working out and the nearly setting off the smoke alarm were only minor setbacks, and I was confident the doughnuts themselves would make up for the process starting out a little rocky.

It would all be downhill from here, however. The next thing to go wrong was the fact that the doughnuts simply would not stay together. Every time I flipped one it would break into smaller and smaller pieces. Only one of the six I made managed to stay in tact. This was especially frustrating to me because I'm pretty big on the aesthetics of food. So perhaps in my hastiness and increasing frustration I became a bit careless, and at one point I was flipping a doughnut when I accidentally dropped it into the crackling oil, which then splattered out of the pan and onto Matthew's nearby leg. At this point he began bellowing curses and staggered over to the sink to grab paper towels with which to wipe off the hot grease, and I was feeling a mixture of horror and the strange urge to laugh hysterically because why am I being punished so severely for deciding to make these doughnuts?

We finally finished frying up the doughnuts (or shall I say, the ONE doughnut and many doughnut fragments) and then we sprinkled them with powdered sugar and iced them with some vanilla glaze I'd made. I took the one intact doughnut and arranged it nicely on a plate beside my coffee and snapped a picture of it on Instagram, planning to later pick a filter and post it as proof that the experience was not a complete loss. Then we started to eat our doughnuts, but unfortunately it turned out they wound up tasting "like they'd been fried in the same grease as a hamburger," as Matthew so aptly put it. They were disgusting.

To add insult to injury, after we decided not to eat them due to the nastiness, I went to Instagram my picture, and Instagram ate it. The screen just went white, and the photo never saved to my phone. At this point, I wasn't even surprised, because clearly this entire experience had been jinxed from the start. Now I didn't even have proof that one doughnut turned out nicely, so I had to Instagram what was, essentially, a pile of deformed dough balls (see photo above - and believe me, they tasted much worse than they looked).

So, what is the moral of the story here? Well, there really isn't much of one, except maybe to leave things like doughnut-making to Krispy Kreme or, better yet, Gourdough's, next time the hankering strikes. Some things are just better left to the professionals, no?

33 comments:

  1. Make doughnuts from Pilsbury biscuit dough, lady! Wham, bam, doughnuts. Valiant effort though, my dear! Kudos for doing more than I'd ever have patience for. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  2. This one experience gives me hope you are indeed a bit like me after all ;) I'm truly sorry it was all a disaster. Welcome to the life of Candace in the kitchen... Did I mention my husband does 92% of the cooking? In that aspect, I'm a failure of a wife. Blah. Love all the deets of the story though!

    ReplyDelete
  3. They do look good...but agreed, best left to the professions. They do however, if you ever had the inclination to do it again, have a mix you can buy to make donuts, they sell it at William Sonoma...:)

    ReplyDelete
  4. And yet another reason why Pinterest makes everything look easy. GIRRRRL, if it makes you feel better - my family STILL gives me a hard time about when I was in charge of Thanksgiving dessert. I made a pie and THERE WAS GLASS IN IT.

    ReplyDelete
  5. We have always made donuts using big (or small) pilsbury biscuits. We use a water bottle lid (or 2 liter lid) to make the holes in the donut. Then we fry (yes, very healthy!) them in the Fry Daddy (with crisco!). Delicious heart attack waiting to happen!! Oh and we ice them using powdered sugar with a little bit of milk. My kids love them. I only make them like once every few months.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I sometimes add vanilla to the icing mix. Or just a tad bit of cocoa powder to make it chocolate icing.

      Delete
  6. this is too funny. I was just contemplating how I NEED a doughnut and was about to go make some....you just might have changed my mind. but I still need a doughnut....

    ReplyDelete
  7. Lol!!! That is so funny. So sorry about the doughnut-catastrophe! But what a hilarious story! Bye all your posts about gourdoughs is seriously border line unfair!!!! I want one do stinking bad!

    ReplyDelete
  8. The deep fryer wedding gift: Essentially an insult in a box.

    Btw, I've made donuts at home before, and they were delicious. However, I just used can biscuits (already in a circle and already strong enough to withstand frying oil). Then you just powder them up with sugar.

    This comment just got boring.

    ReplyDelete
  9. OMG this is too funny. Glad to know I am not the only one not the best in the kitchen...I seriously laughed out loud at work!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I second the canned biscuit ideas...my mom used to make those when we were young. I remember them being quite yummy! What I really want to know is: what glasses did you end up ordering??

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh what a bummer! All that excitement and anticipation for doughnuts and all you got was a greasy hamburger ball. So sad this didn't work out for you but please don't be discouraged from making homemade doughnuts again! My mom used to make them all the time with Bisquick and a little cinnamon sugar sprinkled on top and they were the bomb. I've also seen a lot of doughnut making kits at Sur La Table, Target, etc. and they even have little trays to shape them perfectly without falling apart. :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. bahaha i'm sure you'll have better luck next time. or else just go back to that doughnut food cart...

    ReplyDelete
  13. At least you tried! :) I'm sure you'll master it, just like your beautiful photography.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I know that your doughnut-making endeavor turned out to be an epic failure and I'm sorry, but I can't stop laughing. This story truly cracked me up!

    I cook every day (I love it...something about making a creative or yummy dish that just makes everything right in the world for me) and am always baking or cooking something but believe me, we all have those moments where nothing turns out as planned. For me, it was last month when I got the incredible idea to make homemade peach cobbler, a dish I've made a thousand times. I bought a few too many peaches, overfilled the pan and decided, "Oh well, let's throw it in the oven anyway, bubbling-topping-be-damned!" The result? Setting off not only every smoke detector in my house but also our home security system's fire detector...I'll leave the rest of that incredibly embarrassing story to the imagination. For the record, it took HOURS for the smoke to clear on that one, LOL.

    ReplyDelete
  15. This post is utterly hilarious. The only thing I could think when you said Instagram ate it, hopefully it like the donut more than you did!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Holy cow, girl! What an ordeal!!!

    I can't even tell you how many times I've gotten grease splashed on my legs or arms... mainly from bacon. I still have the major burn scar on my leg from Thanksgiving!

    You have to have another go at these..only, maybe not bisquick, because its obvious...you weren't meant to be friends. Emily at Amazing Grapes

    ReplyDelete
  17. I'm glad to know that another home cook botches something like this now and again and not just me! I baked a cake the other day in two round pans and couldn't get the blasted things out - even though I had greased them! Had to throw the whole thing away because they came out in twenty seven different pieces! Hey - at least debacles like this make for great blog posts! (o:

    ReplyDelete
  18. i'd probably set the house on fire attempting to make donuts so you did better than i would :)

    ReplyDelete
  19. hahaha! Wow! At least you got a really great story out of it! And kudos to you for even trying. I would have seen all that work involved and written it off immediately!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Hahah oh man....I saw this on Instagram and was totally hoping for a blog post about it! I am TERRIFIED of any recipe involving deep frying in oil...good for you for trying...kitchen stories always make for good stories. :)

    ReplyDelete
  21. Bahahaha! I am so sorry! That sounds like something I would do! I think you need to head over and pick up some donuts stat. :)

    ReplyDelete
  22. Try biscuit dough in the tubes next time :)It works!

    ReplyDelete
  23. I want some doughnuts!!! Come see my new daisy skirt :)

    xo Emma
    www.fromcitytocity-emm.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  24. We don't have Krispy Kreme in Houston and I am dyinggggg. They are seriously the best. (That is, until I try Gordoughs!)

    ReplyDelete
  25. That's a funny story. Except not the part about the hot oil hitting Matthew in the leg!
    I've always wondered about making dounuts at home....I think I'll just stick to Dunkin Dounuts!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Well at least you can say you "tried" to make doughnuts once. :)

    ReplyDelete
  27. I stumbled on your blog today via Between Dreams and am absolutely loving it.. thsi post just completely cracked me up, thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  28. This is hilarious! You and Matthew should have a cooking show.

    ReplyDelete
  29. This was a great read, it had me laughing!! Your blog always seems to make me laugh!

    ReplyDelete

Thanks so much for leaving your two cents! I read and appreciate every comment and respond when I can. Thanks for reading. :)

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...