I’m feeling strangely stifled this morning. I woke up excited about a new day and a new week… ready to be honest and open about my feelings and share a little more about Edd’s passing 4 weeks ago tomorrow. I wrote it all out. It was cathartic, and I cried… a lot… as I typed.
But then I couldn’t hit publish. I read what I wrote over and over again, and it just wasn’t enough. It was just a string of sentences tied together by commas and periods and ellipses. It was just facts. And it didn’t fully express what we experienced… what EDD experienced. It felt too private, it felt cold, and it felt not good enough.
So I guess right now, until the time comes (if it comes) when I’m ready to write more about the enormity of this thing that happened and that changed me, I just want to acknowledge that no matter what I write here, no matter what kind of sunny posts you see (because those are so much easier to write), it still hurts. I’m still working through it, as I know my mom is and my step brothers are and everyone else who was deeply touched by Edd’s life and death. I imagine it will all come out in bits and pieces over the next months and years, and even though it goes without saying, I’m sure, I just wanted to say that even though we carry on and live our lives and eat out at restaurants and take pretty pictures and laugh sometimes, there’s always a part of me (and my family) that’s grieving. You learn to live with that grief, because there’s no other choice.
A wonderful reader named Sam left a comment a while back that really stuck with me, and I wrote it on a little piece of paper and left it on my mom’s pillow the night before Edd’s funeral, and she even read it at the service. It said, “someday you’ll walk around the hole in your heart instead of falling in it.”
For now, though, I think we’re all still falling in it.
One last thing… I found this quote the other day, and it really blew me away. I wanted to share it here too, for anyone who might need to hear it:
“I actually attack the concept of happiness. I don’t mind people being happy - but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It’s a really odd thing that we’re now seeing people saying 'write down 3 things that made you happy today before you go to sleep', and 'cheer up' and 'happiness is our birthright' and so on. We’re kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position - it’s rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say 'Quick! Move on! Cheer up!' I’d like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word 'happiness' and to replace it with the word 'wholeness'. Ask yourself 'is this contributing to my wholeness?' and if you’re having a bad day, it is.”
Hugh Mackay, psychologist and social researcher
I like to think that all of this is contributing to my wholeness, and for that I am grateful.
1. Gracie baby
2. .25 cent books from the Austin citywide garage sale yesterday
3. My gorgeous necklace by Megan
5. Cute grandparents
6. The prettiest little egg we found in our backyard
Hope you have a wonderful Monday…