Balance. (and the TRUTH about comments)

So, I’m thinking Matthew’s post yesterday was a hit… the blog had record visits, and now Matthew is feeling very cocky and keeps mumbling to himself about being famous.  I should never have told him about the spike in my stats…

But anyway, I actually wanted to talk about something serious today. Two things have happened in the past couple of days that were sort of eye-openers for me, and so naturally I wanted to discuss them with you. 

For one thing, while Matthew was writing out his answers for yesterday’s post, I noticed he wasn’t answering any of the multiple questions on how he feels about the “Blog World” or what it’s like being married to a blogger.  I said, “babe, you should answer some of the questions about blogging!  People seem really interested in that!”

And then he told me he doesn’t want to answer those questions, because he only has negative things to say about my blogging. 

WHAT?!

I was shocked for a few minutes.  I thought maybe he would write about how it’s given me a fun hobby and part time job, how it’s given me confidence and a way to make a little money of my own, but nope.  Turns out his view on it is influenced more by the time it takes away from us, by the attention it takes away from him when I’m glued to my phone reading and replying to comments, answering tweets, posting pictures to Instagram, etc.  When I’ve managed  my time poorly so I’m still on the computer at 7:00, 8:00 o’clock sometimes, and wasting valuable time he and I should be spending together.  Sometimes blogging is like a job you never shut off, never go home from.  Or at least that’s the unhealthy way it’s been for me lately. 

I realized how unacceptable that is.

And THEN I read Elizabeth’s post last night, and it really hit home.  Like her, blogging has become more than just a fun hobby and part-time job for me—its become an addiction.  “Strangers” sometimes feel more important than my own family.  Replying to comments so that people don’t stop leaving them has become that mountain I can never quite reach the top of, and it’s starting to make me feel a little crazy. 

Let me tell you a little about how it works with comments.  When your blog is still small, it works to reply to them.  You develop relationships with people, and it’s fun, and it works. 

But as your blog continues to grow, and if you continue to attempt to reply to as many comments as possible, things get out of control.  Because when you reply to comments, those people just keep coming back and leaving them.  Naturally!  I, myself, have been thrilled to receive replies from my favorite bloggers occasionally, and it makes me want to keep leaving them—I feel heard and appreciated, and that’s a great feeling!  You feel a bit like you’ve developed a relationship with that blogger, and it’s not so one sided anymore.  I’ve always wanted every one of my readers to feel that way.

But like I said, the more comments you reply to, the more you receive, and the more impossible it becomes to reply to them all.  I always mark especially nice comments as “unread” in my inbox so I’ll remember to go back and reply to them, but since I post almost daily, those unread messages pile up and start to seem insurmountable, and then they clog up my inbox such that I become slower at responding to actual emails from people, sponsor requests, etc.   And I’ve realized I need to come up with a better system, or just “let go” a little better.  I’ve been letting go a little more lately, and though the comments on my blog have dropped some, I think it’s ok.

The truth is that when a blog’s following get’s bigger, the blogger him/herself does, indeed, start to become a little more inaccessible.  People stop leaving comments because they know they won’t get replies—they don’t feel “heard” and sometimes feel like they’re just writing into the wind.  I get that.  Even here on my own blog, only a small fraction of my readers comment.  I’m not going to lie—that makes me sad, because I love hearing from you SO much. Receiving positive or engaging comments on something I write feels like the best kind of reward and validation—it’s absolutely wonderful, and I read and appreciate each and every comment.  They are little bright spots all throughout my day as they come in, and I feel like I get to know you through them.  But what people need to understand (and, as a blog reader I came to this conclusion a while back), is that a blogger’s post is their letter to YOU; the comments are your letters back to them, and generally shouldn’t be left only in hopes of building a relationship with the blogger.  If that happens, it’s a fabulous bonus, but I have learned to lower my expectations for commenting and now try to leave thoughtful comments only as a sign of appreciation and admiration for what someone has written—never expecting a response.  If I want to reach out to a blogger a little more directly, I’ll write them an email. 

Maybe some of you will think that sounds a little cold, but I am just explaining the reality of how things are when your blog gets a bit bigger.  I like to think of myself as a pretty kind person; I hate to think of ever making someone feel “left out” or unappreciated, which is why I try to reply back or visit readers’ blogs now and then.  But I think every blogger reaches a point when they realize that it simply isn’t possible anymore, and you can’t completely avoid letting really amazing comments go unanswered sometimes.

Now, having said aaalllllllll that, I don’t think I’m quite there yet.  Since I DO treat this blog like a (really awesome) job, and since I don’t work outside the home at this point, I DO still plan to reply to comments occasionally.  But for me, the key moving forward is going to be BALANCE.  I will have a list of priorities, and it will go something like this: keeping my house clean, food in the fridge, and spending QUALITY time with my husband---->writing blog posts, answering emails--->replying to comments (and all but spending time with my husband need to be done during set hours, so they aren’t taking time away from him, friends, or other family).  Maybe that will mean picking a post every now and then and replying only to those comments, or maybe it will mean continuing to do as I’ve done and marking especially thoughtful comments as “unread” and revisiting them later (perhaps I just need to move them to another folder so they are no longer in the inbox.)

So, WHY did I write all this?  I guess I just have this strong desire for every blogger and blog reader to understand how crucial it is to have balance and to have your priorities in order, and also to understand a little better about how commenting works once a blog reaches a certain point.  I hope that you understand how very much your words mean to those bloggers whom you leave comments for—myself or any other blogger—even if they go unanswered. 

Thanks for reading my thoughts, if you made it this far.  You are so very appreciated. :)

And now, here’s a completely unrelated photo of Gracie from last night (that’s MY pillow).  One might say that she believes in balance, as well.